Morgantown Is Burning

Ohhh Billy…….get that resume ready.

 

JIM TRESSEL OUT AT OSU- WHEEE I GET TO SPECULATE!

Jim Tressel ”resigned” from Ohio State sometime while I was still asleep this morning. The proverbial red vest wearing shit finally hit the fan after months of allegations and suspensions, a ”bombshell” on SI is expected this afternoon and OSU was just getting out in front of things.  So with all that behind us…..WOOO SUMMA COACHING SPECULATION YA’LL.

THE FAVORITES

Urban Meyer

An Ohio kid, OSU is his dream job. Plus, he sucks on TV.

Jon Gruden

THIS GUY IS AVAILABLE and THIS GUY COULD RECRUIT HIS ASS OFF

THE DARKHORSES

Bo Pelini

Nebraskas head man is a former Buckeye Safety

Mark Dantonio

Former DC in Columbus

THE FUCKING HILARIOUS

Bobby Petrino

At this point, every Bobby Petrino contract is not just a signature, its performance art.

He’s the banksy of leaving a burning tire fire of a team behind him to do a decent but not great job at another school.

Bill Stewart

HE’S THE HERO COLUMBUS NEEDS!

Best of The #BigEastCasino

Slick Willie likes his cocktail waitresses two at a time at the #BigEastCasino

Sweet jesus we missed a good Twitter night. This is what I get for having a social life. After news broke that WVU OC/Head Coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen got in a little trouble at a casino in Charleston,WV last week, Twitter got working with one of the better tags yet- #BigEastCasino. Here are some of the best I could find.

@chasrich27 ”Memphis has its FedEx sugar daddy trying to bribe security to let it into the #BigEastCasino”

@david_harten ”Everyone thinks Jay Wright is the guy with mob ties when he steps into the #BigEastCasino.”

@eddiew13 ” At #BigEastCasino Rutgers rented extra rooms but none of their fans came”

@epark88 ”Just saw Gary McGhee all alone at the slots in a wheelchair at the #BigEastCasino”

@5thyearseniorwv ”At the #BigEastCasino if you’re catholic you can bring nothing to the table and still walk away a winner.”

@smokingmusket ”Rita Rodriguez fell asleep in the tanning bed at the #BigEastCasino spa three years ago.”

@imthesportsdude ”Bill Stewart yells “Yahtzee” on every craps table roll at #BigEastCasino.”

@slangbus ”Late to the party but here it goes: Pitt’s buffet is in the bathroom at the #bigeastcasino ”

BIG EAST PREVIEWS: RUTGERS- THE BIG SHOW OF THE BIG EAST

……..And then he hired Frank Cignetti Jr. as his offensive coordinator

THE GOOD

Hired a OC after appearing to not have one for the past few seasons. Is being touted as a sleeping giant for the 12th consecutive year.

THE BAD

That exciting new OC came from Pitt, which ran an offense that would’ve been considered innovative if it had been run in the AFC East in 1993. If Joe Pa declares himself done, expect Schiano to be all over that job.

PREDICTIONS- 6-6 (3-4) 7th in the BE

NC Central W

@UNC L

Ohio W

@Cuse L

Pitt L

Navy L

@Louisville W

WVU L

USF L

@ Army W

Cincy W

UCONN W

RANDOM VIDEO THAT REMINDS ME OF WHAT RUTGERS COULD BE

RANDOM VIDEO THAT REMINDS ME OF WHAT RUTGERS IS

BIG EAST PREVIEWS- UCONN: YES, THEY ACTUALLY HIRED PAUL PASQUALONI

Seconds later, Bob Stoops finished on his back. He did not hang around for a caress.

THE GOOD

Umm….jesus….A walk-on tailback named Jordan Huxtable?

THE BAD

Every Big East team that hired a new coach last winter traded up, except UConn. The Huskies were merely one year into their Big East membership the last time Paul Pasqualoni was coaching in college football. He was last seen as the linebacker coach for a Dallas Cowboy defense who couldn’t stop Rex Fucking Grossman. If you need a wingman you don’t ask your grandfather to come along, and if you need an exciting Head Coach to invigorate your basketball school, you don’t hire a 61 year old failed NFL assistant who runs a high school offense.

PREDICTIONS- 4-8 (1-6) 8th place in BE

Fordham W

@ Vandy L

Iowa State L

@ Buffalo W

Western Michigan W

@ WVU L

USF W

@ PITT L

CUSE L

Louisville L

Rutgers L

@ Cincy L

RANDOM VIDEO THAT REMINDS ME OF UCONN

CONFERENCE PREVIEWS- BIG EAST WEEK, Y’ALL

Ok time to get this party started. One conference a week, every team previewed.

Anyone who ever played little league baseball always had to put up with the distracted right fielder. This fucking kid, who was either 4ft nothing and looked like a toddler, or 6ft tall and uncoordinated as fuck, would be put out in right for his mandatory 3 innings and still manage to fuck up the game. He was the kid who everyone made fun of behind his back, and sadly often to his face. He was the kid who couldn’t name 4 major league players, spent his time in the field picking flowers, and was really only playing so his stripper mom could make eyes at your fresh out of college assistant coach. This essentially describes the Big East’s standing among college footballs elite. Sure, we’re on the fucking team, but we get our minimum playing time and a shitton of snide comments. Could this conference grow its hair out, learn the guitar, and start banging that alt chick with the tits? Yes. For the Big East, that hair is a balding mullet, the guitar is the Air Raid, and that alt chick with the tits is still Bob Stoops.

The 2011 Mock Draft

(Bear Grylls is not a Cam Newton fan)

Every year around draft time I get the grand idea to do a mock draft of an indeterminable length. So here it goes.

Round 1

1. Carolina: Cam Newton QB, Auburn

2. Denver: Marcell Dareus DT, Alabama

3. Buffalo: A.J. Green WR, Georgia

4. Cincinnati: Robert Quinn DE, UNC

5. Arizona: Von Miller OLB, Texas A & M

6. Cleveland: Patrick Peterson CB, LSU

7. San Francisco: Julio Jones WR, Alabama

8.Tennessee:  Blaine Gabbert QB, Missouri

9. Dallas: Tyron Smith OT, USC

10. Washington: Colin Kaepernick QB, Nevada

11. Houston: Da’Quan Bowers OLB, Clemson

12. Minnesota: Jake Locker QB, Washington

13. Detroit :  Nick Fairley DT, Auburn

14. St. Louis: Prince Amukamara CB, Nebraska

15. Miami: Mike Pouncey C/G, Florida

16. Jacksonville: J.J. Watt DE, Wisconsin

17. New England: Gabe Carimi OT, Wisconsin

18. San Diego: Aldon Smith OLB, Missouri

19. New York Giants: Anthony Castonzo OT, Boston College

20. Tampa Bay: Cameron Jordan DE, Cal

21. Kansas City: Nate Solder OT, Colorado

22. Indianapolis: Marvin Austin DT, UNC

23. Philadelphia: Marcus Cannon OL, TCU

24. New Orleans: Mark Ingram RB, Alabama

25. Seattle: Ryan Mallet QB, Arkansas

26. Baltimore: Jimmy Smith CB, Colorado

27. Atlanta: Kyle Rudolph TE, Notre Dame

28. New England: Ryan Williams RB, Virginia Tech

29. Chicago: Corey Liuget DT, Illinois 

30. New York Jets: Phil Taylor NT, Baylor

31. Pittsburgh: Danny Watkins OG, Baylor

32. Green Bay: Adrian Clayborn DE, Iowa

Round 2

33. New England: Randal Cobb WR, Kentucky 

34. Buffalo: Cameron Heyward DE, Ohio State

35. Cincinnati: Christian Ponder QB, FSU

36. Denver: Stephen Paea DT, Oregon State

37. Cleveland: Dontay Moch OLB, Nevada

38. Arizona: Akeem Ayers LB, UCLA

39. Tennessee: Leonard Hankerson WR, Miami

40. Dallas: Aaron Williams CB, Texas

41. Washington: Derek Sherrod OT, Mississippi State

42. Houston: Muhammed Wilkerson DE, Temple

43. Minnesota: Brandon Harris CB, Miami

44. Detroit: Ras-I Dowling CB, Virginia

45. San Francisco: Andy Dalton QB, TCU

46. Denver: Rahim Moore S, UCLA

47. St. Louis: Torrey Smith WR, Maryland

48. Oakland: Brooks Reed OLB, Arizona

49. Jacksonville: Bruce Carter OLB, UNC

50. San Diego: Benjamin Ijalana OT, Villanova

51. Tampa Bay: Kendal Hunter RB, Oklahoma State

52. New York Giants: Rodney Hudson C, FSU

53. Indianapolis: Stefan Wisniewski C/G Penn State

54. Philadelphia: Jurrell Casey DT, USC

55. Kansas City: Ryan Kerrigan OLB, Purdue

56. New Orleans: Justin Houston DE, Georgia

57. Seattle: Mikel Leshoure RB, Illinois 

58. Baltimore: Titus Young WR, Boise State

59. Atlanta: Martez Wilson OLB, Illinois

60. New England: Christian Ballard DL, Iowa

61. San Diego: Jonathan Baldwin WR, Pittsburgh 

62. Chicago: Marcus Gilbert OT, Florida

63. Pittsburgh: William Rackley OL, Lehigh

64. Green Bay: Allen Bailey DE, Miami

Round 3

65. Carolina: Terrell McClain DT, USF

66. Cincinnati: Greg Little WR, UNC

67. Denver: Mark Herzlich OLB, Boston College

68. Buffalo: Tyrod Taylor QB, Virginia Tech

69. Arizona: Clint Boling OG, Georgia

70. Cleveland: Ian Williams DT, Notre Dame

71. Dallas: Orlando Franklin OG, Miami

72. New Orleans: Johnny Patrick CB, Louisville

73. Houston: Kelvin Shepperd ILB, LSU

74. New England: James Carpenter OG, Alabama

75. Detroit: James Brewer OT, Indiana 

76. San Francisco: Brandon Burton CB, Utah

77. Tennessee: Jaiqwan Jarrett S, Temple

78. St. Louis: Jordan Cameron TE, USC

79. Miami: Lance Kendricks TE, Wisconsin

80. Jacksonville: Tandon Doss WR, Indiana

81. Oakland: Chris Hairston OT, Clemson

82. San Diego: Josh Thomas CB, Buffalo

83. New York Giants: Jarvis Jenkins DT, Clemson

84. Tampa Bay: Virgil Green TE, Nevada

85. Philadelphia: Daniel Thomas RB, Kansas State

86. Kansas City: Noel Devine RB, WVU

87. Indianapolis: Ahmad Black S, Florida

88. New Orleans: Jabaal Sheard DE, Pittsburgh

89. San Diego: Jerrell Powe NT, Ole Miss

90. Baltimore: Robert Sands S, WVU

91. Atlanta: Vincent Brown WR, San Diego State

92. New England: Ricky Stanzi QB, Iowa

93. Chicago: Jerrel Jernigan WR, Troy State

94. New York Jets: Edmund Gates WR,  Abilene Christian

95. Pittsburgh: Sam Acho OLB, Texas

96. Green Bay: Quan Sturdivant ILB, UNC

97. Carolina: Drake Nevis DT, LSU

Dana Holgorsen: Killer of Apathy

One of the things that has truly sucked about getting older is that I find myself caring less about silly shit than I used to. I’ve been limited to just one video game season at a time, which is awful. My baseball and football cards were sold a longtime ago. Saddest of all, last year college football got just my passing interest, at least compared to past years. I didn’t realize this until the NFL draft season came along and I could barely fill out a 3 round mock. I know, 3 rounds sounds like a lot, but I’m the same guy who did this last year. I love the draft, watched every pick since I was in 5th grade (the Manning/Leaf draft), and generally know these players to a dorky fault. So how did someone who loved college football to a fault lose it? Jeff Fucking Mullen. The former WVU offensive coordinator killed the joy of watching WVU play. That joy being when we utterly ass-raped teams with an offense that seemed like a cheat code. That’s what Rod’s spread was for WVU: A fucking cheat code.

 

Four options? Fuck. I was really into the idea of becoming a coach around this time, and good lord I just wanted to learn the spread and find a 5th option and become the next ”genius”. Then Rod left, I got a English professor who let me use ”fuck” in papers, and now I’m here. Despite the dream change, and the consequences of learning such things, I still find offensive football ridiculously fascinating. Thats what made Jeff Mullens reign of terror at WVU so sad. He was running a high school version of the spread, essentially taking the school in reverse from where it was, as others like Urban Meyer (shotgun veer, west coast passing principles)  and Chip Kelly (mid-line option) continued to evolve the spread in increasingly creative ways.

/shits pants

That play above is called ”Four Verticals” and new WVU OC Dana Holgorsen runs it like a drunk kid playing Madden. Holgorsen, a disciple of the awesomely insane Hal Mumme and Mike Leach, has taken the Air Raid concepts (draw,stick,mesh,4 verts) and packaged them in a ultimately tougher to stop way. Additionally, while Leach preferred horizontal routes, Holgorsen runs a lot of vertical routes. The man runs a ballsier passing game than Mike Leach, which is like out snuffing Larry Flynt.

 

**squees**

So what we end up out of all of this is the team I love being 2 for its last 3 in the ”hiring offensive genius” department. I don’t know if Holgorsen will do better than Bill Stewart has done, if he’ll be the guy to bring a National Title to WVU. But at the very least, I’ll be watching.

Brief Welcome Goes Here

(Holy fucking shit Gary Busey once played Bear Bryant in a movie)

So this little ditty is going to be a college football blog. I’ve written this, this, and this so I have some idea how this writing shit works. Also, I promise not to make this too WVU-centric, our buddy Jim does that quite well over at Hail WV,  but the thought of a WVU offense throwing 50 times a game does get us a little…. OMG OMG OMG OMG YOU GUYS THE AIR RAID IS COMING TO MORGANTOWN!